For Ashling & Friends: Intimacy

A little personal subject. A very sweet girl sent in an email. She had a few questions about intimacy and sex. 

“How do you know if you can trust the person?” “Does having sex have any significant meaning to it, or is it always just human needs?”

She kindly requested for me to write this to inspire and encourage herself, who is a a young lady and her friends who are going through the same. 
First off, I want to say is, don’t pressure yourself. It will come naturally. When you feel comfortable with it, with the right person and right time – you’ll know it. Trust me in this. It will be your natural instinct.
If it feels wrong, or you’re just uncomfortable – it’s not the right time. You have every right to stop the situation. Don’t feel bad about leaving or stopping it. Nothing is more important than how you feel about it. 
When it feels natural with him, you’ll know you can trust him and follow his lead. I hope when you get to that stage of intimacy, it is with someone you love. And usually when it’s someone you love, you can always trust them. 

To most people, sex isn’t just an activity. It’s a sign of trust. For me at least. Of course both woman and men have their own needs. But I never performed any sexual activity with someone if I didn’t love them. 

It may be different to other people however, and this is where you might end up getting hurt. 

I had an ex boyfriend say to me – “Sex is just sex. I’ll give it to any girl that would want it. A threesome would be nice too”. Granted, we were broken up and was hooking up occasionally. 

But that changed my perspective. Even though at that time, he was my ideal “partner” for such activity, as I still loved him – when I had “needs” I would think of him and would only want to be intimate with him. However, to him – it was just sex. Anyone could have done the job as he would express. 

At that time, though we were broken up, but because I still loved him, to me it was still a significant intimacy that I would only do with someone I love. But his response, made me realise some things. 
So just be careful. My only advice for young woman is, it will happen naturally. Two people can have different views on sex. You may think it’s a special kind of intimacy, he might think otherwise. So make sure you are both on the same page before you step into the next stage of intimacy. 

And as I said, it will come naturally. You’ll feel it, when it’s the right time with the right person. 

If he doesn’t respect your decision, then he’s not the right person. Don’t feel like you’re pressured to do anything. Some people wait till after marriage with consent from both sides. 


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